sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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