His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
