I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
