When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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