By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
