So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
