I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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