My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
