is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
