that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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