i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
