For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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