Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
