My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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