Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
