so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
