WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
