Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
