I smell stomach acid.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
