And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize