yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
