So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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