its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
