Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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