So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Actions speak louder than pants.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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