Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
