drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
