Yo dont text me then not text me
You can't special order awesome
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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