my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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