don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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