I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
