if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
