I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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