i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
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