Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the condom got lost in my hair
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
