so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
