I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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