he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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