maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
