its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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