I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
