On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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