the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
