She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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