I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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