You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
