is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize