Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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