I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
the liver wants what the liver wants
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize