How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
