I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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