textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
