So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
